And actually, it is.
A year ago, I was convinced Freyja was ADHD, but if someone had suggested to me that I was too, I would have quite literally laughed in their face. After all, I am a mother in my mid thirties, I got through high school and University, I have functioned in the working world since I was 21, often in jobs which required intense organisational skills, so how could I possibly be ADHD? Right? Wrong!!!!
The major problem I had recognising her behaviours in myself was my memory. I basically had very little memory of being younger than 8 years old, the age she will soon be. I have never really been able to remember being a child, and have had a great deal of difficulty putting myself in her shoes, or indulging in child's play with her, as it is not something I could associate with.
Since we began the counselling, and started the path to diagnosing Freyja, I started to see the similarities at first between myself and my mother when I was a kid. I had thought that maybe my Mom simply wasn't great with kids, which is something she said herself, but came to realise that it was a similar personality clash that I was now repeating with Freyja, which then made me ask the deeper question of 'why' and slowly I started to remember bits and pieces.
I moved when I was 6, from a town where my grandparents lived and I saw them daily, to a small village where I only saw my family at weekends. I had friends at the school in the town where I had lived, had been popular at school, and was transplanted to a village where everyone knew everyone, except me and one other new girl, and my Dad now tells me I took it very badly. I am guessing that the lack of earlier memories is, in a way, a suppression of the good memories, in the way that some people repress bad memories. I specifically remember someone asking me when I was 15 about childhood memories and me telling them I had none before I was 8. This isn't something that came with the passage of time, its something I switched off early.
I could remember that the move was traumatic though. I could remember that I had been happy with friends and then suddenly was unhappy and bullied. It was one of the reasons I wanted us to emigrate before Freyja was in school, to lessen the impact. I had not realised that she would still suffer the same trauma at such a young age. Maybe that is one of the factors that worsened our subsequent behaviours.
Anyway, as the counselling sessions continued, and as I talked to my parents each weekend via webcam about what was discussed, it became clearer and clearer that Freyja was a lot like me - maybe she has been worse, but lets face it, times have changed. 30 years ago, if you spoke back to parents, grandparents, teachers or neighbours, you'd have gotten a clip around the ear or a smacked backside. You learnt fast that while you may think it, you sure as hell didn't say it. These days, that kind of thing is frowned upon, and as I can tell you from experience, the ADHD child and time outs / naughty steps etc do not mix. You can put them in a time out for two minutes, they will play with anything in sight, get up repeatedly, shout, cry, and after the two minutes, can't even remember why they were there in the first place. Corporal punishment isn't exactly an ideal, but it did have the advantage of the 'short, sharp shock' which was memorable, even to kids like me, but I don't want to be smacking my daughters behind 20 times a day, so other methods needed to be considered.
Anyhow, I had tantrums, argued with my mother (but not my Dad - so familiar), flitted from one thing to another quickly losing interest. But the clincher, the thing which really highlighted it for me, was the fact that I did really well in exams, but badly in coursework, right through school and into University. I always left everything to the last minute, research, assignments, revision for exams. Lots of burning the candle at both ends. I needed the pressure and the stress to force me to concentrate or I'd get distracted. All through school my reports read, "Lisa is bright and helpful but does not reach her full potential. Gets distracted chatting to friends. Must try harder." Always I achieved average, or slightly above average grades, but always my teachers told my parents I could achieve so much more, was one of the brightest and most imaginative kids in the class, but just wasn't achieving my potential. Every parents evening and report card ended with me in tears of frustration, telling my parents I had tried my best, them reassuring me that as long as I had done that, then I could do no more, but always I knew that I was capable of more, I just didn't know how to achieve it.
I went into the workplace and I excelled at organisation in busy, multi-tasking jobs, but quickly lost interest in the jobs where there was not the high levels of pressure. I didn't move up in companies, I had no wish to, but I did well in the jobs that interested me, moved on quickly from those that did not.
Things changed when I got pregnant with Freyja. I got less organised. I blamed 'baby brain'. But it never came back. Too many sleepless nights and things to juggle at home, as well as at work. I have been coasting along for the last few years in a job I liked, but it was and is pretty repetitive. Its good when its busy, but when things quiet down and the pressure is off, I was getting distracted again.
When I filled out the questionnaires with the doctor to get assessed myself, I did one relating to me now, and one relating to my memories of how I was as a teen. I actually said on reading the results that I was surprised I managed to achieve anything. I was always late to bed, always late up, rushing last minute to get ready for school, missing my bus, forgetting my bag, losing my wallet or keys, (that hasn't changed - I have misplaced my debit card so many times this last couple years I have lost count and have actually had to have it replaced 4 times! in the last 18 months!)
Apparently, because ADHD just wasn't really recognised when I was a kid, we developed coping mechanisms and actually became highly organised individuals when enough pressure was placed on us to become so, but without that pressure, and the clarity it brings, our minds fogged and we slipped back into distraction. It becomes a repeating pattern and it holds you back - something I clearly do not want my kids to experience.
So now I am on the Concerta too. I won't say it is a great success yet, as we are still upping the dosage a little at a time, but I will say that each time I begin a higher dosage it makes things so much clearer. A lady I know has also been diagnosed ADD, along with her son, and when she started her meds she described it as suddenly having so much room in her head. I totally agreed with that. You suddenly start to realise how 'normal' people function. You can get jobs done, when you intend doing them, instead of getting distracted 5 times by other things.
Each time I get a higher dosage, it gets better, and then as my body adjusts, the clarity recedes a bit, but less each time. I am about to up the dosage again this week for me, and I hope that it will be the last one. We have noticed a difference, but just as Freyja's wears off in the evening, so does mine, and I need it to last that bit later so I can be organised enough to get her and her sister into bed at the proper time, do a few chores and then let it wear out as I have a while to relax before I head to bed.
So, we are both a work in progress, and while she still shouts at me, its not quite so bad as it used to be (though the last couple weeks she has been a bit worse for that), but I don't react as badly, and that in itself diffuses things and does not feed into her moods. Without my reaction, she has no battle to win and gives up sooner.
One side effect, is my renewed clarity during the day has made me realise that my job is not challenging enough and I am hoping that a new opportunity at my workplace may come up - it has been mentioned and I have been told it is mine if funding is approved for it, so fingers crossed on that.
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