It's all about me....

And actually, it is. 

A year ago, I was convinced Freyja was ADHD, but if someone had suggested to me that I was too, I would have quite literally laughed in their face.  After all, I am a mother in my mid thirties, I got through high school and University, I have functioned in the working world since I was 21, often in jobs which required intense organisational skills, so how could I possibly be ADHD?  Right?  Wrong!!!!

The major problem I had recognising her behaviours in myself was my memory.  I basically had very little memory of being younger than 8 years old, the age she will soon be.  I have never really been able to remember being a child, and have had a great deal of difficulty putting myself in her shoes, or indulging in child's play with her, as it is not something I could associate with.

Since we began the counselling, and started the path to diagnosing Freyja, I started to see the similarities at first between myself and my mother when I was a kid.  I had thought that maybe my Mom simply wasn't great with kids, which is something she said herself, but came to realise that it was a similar personality clash that I was now repeating with Freyja, which then made me ask the deeper question of 'why' and slowly I started to remember bits and pieces.

I moved when I was 6, from a town where my grandparents lived and I saw them daily, to a small village where I only saw my family at weekends.  I had friends at the school in the town where I had lived, had been popular at school, and was transplanted to a village where everyone knew everyone, except me and one other new girl, and my Dad now tells me I took it very badly.  I am guessing that the lack of earlier memories is, in a way, a suppression of the good memories, in the way that some people repress bad memories.  I specifically remember someone asking me when I was 15 about childhood memories and me telling them I had none before I was 8.  This isn't something that came with the passage of time, its something I switched off early. 

I could remember that the move was traumatic though.  I could remember that I had been happy with friends and then suddenly was unhappy and bullied.  It was one of the reasons I wanted us to emigrate before Freyja was in school, to lessen the impact.  I had not realised that she would still suffer the same trauma at such a young age.  Maybe that is one of the factors that worsened our subsequent behaviours.

Anyway, as the counselling sessions continued, and as I talked to my parents each weekend via webcam about what was discussed, it became clearer and clearer that Freyja was a lot like me - maybe she has been worse, but lets face it, times have changed.  30 years ago, if you spoke back to parents, grandparents, teachers or neighbours, you'd have gotten a clip around the ear or a smacked backside.  You learnt fast that while you may think it, you sure as hell didn't say it.  These days, that kind of thing is frowned upon, and as I can tell you from experience, the ADHD child and time outs / naughty steps etc do not mix.  You can put them in a time out for two minutes, they will play with anything in sight, get up repeatedly, shout, cry, and after the two minutes, can't even remember why they were there in the first place.  Corporal punishment isn't exactly an ideal, but it did have the advantage of the 'short, sharp shock' which was memorable, even to kids like me, but I don't want to be smacking my daughters behind 20 times a day, so other methods needed to be considered.

Anyhow, I had tantrums, argued with my mother (but not my Dad - so familiar), flitted from one thing to another quickly losing interest.  But the clincher, the thing which really highlighted it for me, was the fact that I did really well in exams, but badly in coursework, right through school and into University.  I always left everything to the last minute, research, assignments, revision for exams.  Lots of burning the candle at both ends.  I needed the pressure and the stress to force me to concentrate or I'd get distracted.   All through school my reports read, "Lisa is bright and helpful but does not reach her full potential.  Gets distracted chatting to friends.  Must try harder."  Always I achieved average, or slightly above average grades, but always my teachers told my parents I could achieve so much more, was one of the brightest and most imaginative kids in the class, but just wasn't achieving my potential.  Every parents evening and report card ended with me in tears of frustration, telling my parents I had tried my best, them reassuring me that as long as I had done that, then I could do no more, but always I knew that I was capable of more, I just didn't know how to achieve it.

I went into the workplace and I excelled at organisation in busy, multi-tasking jobs, but quickly lost interest in the jobs where there was not the high levels of pressure.  I didn't move up in companies, I had no wish to, but I did well in the jobs that interested me, moved on quickly from those that did not.

Things changed when I got pregnant with Freyja.  I got less organised.  I blamed 'baby brain'.  But it never came back.  Too many sleepless nights and things to juggle at home, as well as at work.  I have been coasting along for the last few years in a job I liked, but it was and is pretty repetitive.  Its good when its busy, but when things quiet down and the pressure is off, I was getting distracted again.

When I filled out the questionnaires with the doctor to get assessed myself, I did one relating to me now, and one relating to my memories of how I was as a teen.  I actually said on reading the results that I was surprised I managed to achieve anything.  I was always late to bed, always late up, rushing last minute to get ready for school, missing my bus, forgetting my bag, losing my wallet or keys, (that hasn't changed - I have misplaced my debit card so many times this last couple years I have lost count and have actually had to have it replaced 4 times! in the last 18 months!)

Apparently, because ADHD just wasn't really recognised when I was a kid, we developed coping mechanisms and actually became highly organised individuals when enough pressure was placed on us to become so, but without that pressure, and the clarity it brings, our minds fogged and we slipped back into distraction.  It becomes a repeating pattern and it holds you back - something I clearly do not want my kids to experience.

So now I am on the Concerta too.  I won't say it is a great success yet, as we are still upping the dosage a little at a time, but I will say that each time I begin a higher dosage it makes things so much clearer.  A lady I know has also been diagnosed ADD, along with her son, and when she started her meds she described it as suddenly having so much room in her head.  I totally agreed with that.  You suddenly start to realise how 'normal' people function.  You can get jobs done, when you intend doing them, instead of getting distracted 5 times by other things.

Each time I get a higher dosage, it gets better, and then as my body adjusts, the clarity recedes a bit, but less each time.  I am about to up the dosage again this week for me,  and I hope that it will be the last one.  We have noticed a difference, but just as Freyja's wears off in the evening, so does mine, and I need it to last that bit later so I can be organised enough to get her and her sister into bed at the proper time, do a few chores and then let it wear out as I have a while to relax before I head to bed. 

So, we are both a work in progress, and while she still shouts at me, its not quite so bad as it used to be (though the last couple weeks she has been a bit worse for that), but I don't react as badly, and that in itself diffuses things and does not feed into her moods.  Without my reaction, she has no battle to win and gives up sooner.

One side effect, is my renewed clarity during the day has made me realise that my job is not challenging enough and I am hoping that a new opportunity at my workplace may come up - it has been mentioned and I have been told it is mine if funding is approved for it, so fingers crossed on that.

8 months on...

Today is November 1st, and exactly 8 months ago, I started this blog. 

I know, I know....  I haven't exactly been keeping up my end of the bargain by keeping it updated, but I really couldn't quite get my head around things and put everything into words before.  I think I am ready to give it a go now though.

The 8 months has been the longest, scariest, most surprising rollercoaster ride I have ever been on.

Since Freyja was diagnosed, we tried Vyvanse, which made everything so much worse and resulted in three months of living with the embodiment of the kid from The Exorcist.  We told the doc we wanted to stop the meds and he offered us an alternative one.  After a few weeks off the Vyvanse, we took him up on the offer and she started Concerta.  It has been an amazing transformation to watch.  We tried 18mg, and then 27 mg, and now she is back into school we are waiting to see whether or not the dosage will need one last tweak.  It seems to be wearing off around 4-5pm now which means she is getting through the school day but has problems sustaining her concentration in the evening for activities, and the homework she will soon start getting.

The downside to getting a higher dosage is the effect it has on her already tiny appetite and her sleep patterns.  Since starting the meds, she has been taking melatonin most nights to help her sleep.  One of the side effects can be insomnia, though thankfully once she is asleep she now seems to have less nightmares.

Freyja has always been a picky eater and since starting the medication it has become worse.  She often complains of feeling nauseous and of having stomach aches, but I am beginning to think that it is actually her lack of eating that is causing these issues rather than the medication..  Her eating issues have been going on since we moved to Canada, and we knew food was her control thing.  When she couldn't get her own way in other things she did it by refusing to eat.  Since starting the medication she has lost weight (thankfully she was carrying a little weight before, so she is not scary skinny, but still skinny for the kid who has alwas been well built). Her already limited list of likes appears to have gotten smaller and finding something to feed her is getting really tough.  People keep telling me to just give her what I want her to eat and she will eat it eventually, that no kid will starve themselves, but I have seen her eating habits, she already eats about half the quantity her two year old sister eats, and she is still healthy, still growing, but I always have that worry in my mind that a child who uses food for control could end up with anorexia or bulemia as a teenager.  Because of that I have had long talks with her about that, asked her if she feels fat, asked her if she wants to be skinny like some of the other girls in school, and the answer is always a resounding "NO".  So, I am thinking maybe she has some digestive issues that are causing the problems, maybe an alergy that is causing the stomach pains and nausea.

Other than that possible side effect, she is doing fantastically well.  Her concentration at school has improved greatly, her mood swings have almost disappeared except for the usual kid moods.  She still struggles to get ready in the morning (before the meds kick in) and get to bed in an evening (after the meds have worn off) but some of that has been down to me and my own inability to organise and get stuff done - more on that in the next post - so we are getting there, slowly but surely.  Most of the remaining issues tend to be related to me rather than others, so now I am getting myself sorted too and we seem to be making headway.

So way back then, we wondered if we were doing the right thing, and honestly there were times that I really thought we had made a terrible mistake, but looking at the girl I see now, I know we did right and I know that, hard as the road has been and no doubt will be in the future, it was the right road to take.