Ist Appointment done

Well, we were there for 3 hours! Who knew we had so much to say! Poor Lee was nearly falling asleep by the time we left, he had just come off nightshift, and I was an emotional wreck.

Lots of stuff came out that I wasn't expecting. Mainly my fears of it being "all my fault" in one way or another. Most of her "bad" or "Difficult" behaviour is the stuff that revolves around me and my response to her. We kind off feed off each other emotionally, but in a bad way rather than good. She is so like me, I started to notice in the questions we were asked that the behaviours that she is showing are my behaviours, the ones that made my mother crazy, the ones that Lee tells me remind him of my mother (We are all carbon copies of one another - we ever all look alike).  Actually, the night before I was getting a bit emotional at dinner (hormones kicking in as AF was about to arrive) and started getting annoyed because she was yet again not eating her dinner.  I started to cry as I felt so bad about tellin her off yet again and hugged her and apologied for raising my voice.  As I did so, I caught sight of us in the mirror (we have a mirrored wall - rented house - not my choice!) and there she was, MY MOTHER!  I looked just like her when she would get all hormonal and upset when I was a kid.  Freyja looked just like me when I'd hug my Mum and apologise for doing wrong and tell her it was going to be OK.  History was so obviously repeating itself here and I think that is why in the meeting I just broke down.


My Mum and I had an amazing relationship when we were still in England, she was (and still is), my best friend (apart from Lee of course), but it wasn't always that way.  When I was a kid, our relationship was so volatile.  Always shouting and crying, always feeling bad but never able to put it right.  When I was about 10, my parents spend a few months apart.  My Mum had married at 18 and had me at 19, and kind of felt she was missing out on stuff.  It didn't take her long to realise that she wasn't, but those few months, whilst they were incredibly hard, were the best thing to happen to us as a family.  She and my Dad realised just how much they absolutely could not be without one another, and she and I were only together Friday night through Saturday.  We didn't have time to argue about the petty, silly things and spent real quality time together.  We found out, firstly, how much we cared about and loved one another, and secondly, how incredibly alike we were.  Our relationship from then on was great, to the point where my Dad admitted to feeling a little jealous as we were spending so much time together.  Anyway, enough of the past, back to the present...


So, one surprising thing that came out of it all was not just that they asked us to fill out questionnaires about her behaviour, but I was also given one to fill out about mine (along with Lee as he is on the outside looking in - usually shaking his head and sighing) as I may end up getting assessed myself for Adult ADHD.  The thing is though, at the beginning of the meeting I would have been incredulous at such a thing being suggested. But when we had been through the meeting and she suggested it as a possibility, it made more sense than I would like to admit. Most of the things Freyja does that seem obsessive and incredibly annoying, are that way because they go against my obsessive and annoying things that I do.

Oh, I should mention, that after years of struggling, and weeks of telling my parents that we were beginning the process, during which my mother has always said I was never that bad, my parents suddenly decided to tell me that I used to have almighty tantrums where I would stop breathing, right up until I was 7 or 8! Maybe they could have mentioned this sooner.

So now, we are into the process, and I have bared my soul. While the depression flags come more from Lee's side, the ADHD flags come from me and my mother (have I mentioned she has been known to break down and leave a store because the reorganised over the weekend and things weren't in their right places! I have never done that - though I might have sworn when they have done that I have never cried and left - dear god, I am turning into my mother and Freyja is turning into me - poor kid!! )

We have another appointment next week with the person at the clinic where Freyja will be going (the parent one was the starter) - I have no idea what her job title is, I just know she has a degree in Social Work - and then the week after that we see the Paediatrician for the first time.

At least I am not scared now. She told me not to feel a bad mother, as I have proved I am the opposite by making this step. I know everyone has been telling me this, but it feels good when the professionals tell you that - even if you still don't feel it as you carry your screaming, flailing child into her room for a time out, checking the clock on the way and starting the mantra.... two more hours.... two more hours.... only two more hours until bed time